Exploring Intimacy regular, Diva, tells it like it is in her guide to hooking up online.
“Picture it… Sicily…1912… a beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There’s an instant attraction.” …oh wait… this isn’t The Golden Girls. This is 2008 in America… a world of sexual confusion and provocative behavior.
I freakin’ wish it was that easy to meet someone decent and feel some fireworks. Hell, at this point in my life I would settle for a spark! Just one spark; I’m not greedy. But until that day comes, I will continue to take risks and enjoy the internet because lets face it… how can you really meet someone at a bar and expect to have really intriguing and/or stimulating conversation? And by stimulating, I don’t mean a conversation about penis-in-vagina happenings (or penis-in-the-ass happenings if you fancy that). And by stimulating, I don’t mean planning a rendezvous in a car in the bar parking lot where you can participate in some fellatio situations. And by stimulating, I definitely do NOT mean planning an orgy in the back room of the bar or in the bathroom.
Meeting someone in a bar isn’t so bad. In fact, 8 years ago, that happened to me and I was with that guy for 5 years. I remember that night well. I remember thinking, “Who is this assclown? He’s not my type… I’m pretty sure he’s old enough to be my father and I’m going to need to see his ID to verify that before I go much further… <checking out ID> Ok, he’s only 8 years older than me… HOWEVER, he needs to ditch the members-only coat and the hair helmet… and he needs to quit staring at me… dude, let go of my hand… no seriously, let go… <brief interlude for conversation… insert Jeopardy theme song>… topics covered so far include cars, jobs, religion, kids, marriage, and home repairs… Oh shit… he wants my phone number. Do I give it to him? Do I lie and give him a fake one? Oh my goodness… he’s being very forward. Dude, I don’t need effing SIX phone numbers to get a hold of you. I don’t plan on calling you and I’m certainly NOT going to call your job, your friend’s house, OR your mom’s house. Get real dude. And thanks for the mangled business card that’s probably been in your wallet for a year now… next to the condom. Wait, is there a condom imprint on this business card? <examining card> No, its just my imagination. Well I mean at least if he had a condom, he’d be way ahead of most of the other men in this place who are planning to score tonight.”
Anyway, aside from that guy, I haven’t had much luck meeting a decent man in a bar-type setting. You can’t have meaningful conversation with some random drunk person who probably looks like Frankenstein once the ‘ugly lights’ come on in the bar at the end of the night. You know what the ‘ugly lights’ are. You think you’re talking to someone attractive and then the ugly lights come on and you realize you’re talking to some doofus who looks like he/she got hit by a mack truck.
If you have never tried internet dating/internet hook-ups, I highly recommend it. If not for the good that COULD come of it, at least you’ll have a humorous story or two to share with friends. I mean, what’s better than that? I have many.
Don’t be nervous about meeting someone off the world wide web. Yes, there are crazy people on-line. But here’s a news flash… there are crazy people in real life too. I mean really…what’s the difference? Well, here’s the main one. Meeting someone in real life (ie: bar, concert, party, etc) allows you to see them, get a feel for their character; a general ‘vibe’ if you will. Meeting on-line is a whole different ball game. Oh sure, you can see 100 pictures of this special someone in 100 different locations making 100 different facial expressions. You can talk and talk and talk until your little fingers can’t possibly type another word. But (there’s always a big but in there, right?) until you spend some good old fashioned quality time with that special someone, you really don’t know jackshit. Plain and simple. You need what my BFF and I call Q & Q which stands for Quality & Quantity… Quality time and a mass Quantity of it! Yes, we know our stuff.
There are many websites to choose from when first starting out. I have browsed a number of sites just for shits and giggles. Here are a few of my favorites:
All of these sites require you to create an account before you may browse anything. Make sure to upload a photo of yourself, because if you don’t, you won’t get too many responses (if any at all). You need to see the face of the person you’re talking to. It may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, it is (“Oh hello Mr. Inmate… my my my, that’s a pretty sexy orange inmate outfit you’re wearing. Thanks for not having a picture on your profile. Now that we have been talking for a while, you decide to fill me in on that little fact. AWESOME!”). Ok that never happened to me but the point is… it could have and it could happen to YOU too!
Once you set up your account, you will be notified via email if someone sends you a message (in most cases). Take your time and exchange a few emails back and forth before you divulge personal information. I would recommend downloading some type of instant messenger for chatting (Yahoo is a favorite of mine) also. Chatting via instant messenger is a great way to feel them out in the beginning. In my humble opinion, if I’m talking to a man on line and he takes 5 minutes or longer in between replies, he’s not worth my time (unless he has a damn good excuse; I will make allowances for certain situations). If he’s taking 5 minutes because he can’t type fast or because he doesn’t know what to say, that’s reason enough for me to END the conversation. I’m a picky bitch and I like a man who is a quick thinker/typer because my mind flies at warp speed. If he can’t keep up with me, then too bad for him. Don’t hate me… embrace me because I’m trying to keep your head above water here.
Now, how do you distinguish between a potential ‘mate’ and just a random ‘hook-up’? Well if you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you. If you are a good reader of people (some are just born with this gift while others never really grasp the concept), you will know within the first few minutes if they’re worthy of knowing your mind or just your boy-parts/girl-parts.
Let’s move into the whole hook-up side of things. Everyone gets horny. We all have needs and an itch that occasionally needs to be scratched. You meet someone hot and you think, “Wow, I’d love to get him/her into my bed and just pounce!” Well guess what…you can! Just please be smart about it. Here are a few guidelines to follow.
START OUT REALISTICALLY.
You have exchanged pictures and you have a general idea of what this person looks like. But please understand that people…<gasp> occasionally use fake pictures! Oh sure, looks don’t mean everything. But really… if you get out of your car and you see some troll-looking person walking toward you (and you know for a fact that it’s your ‘friend’), you’re going to be stuck. You will either have to get in your car and speed off with a quickness OR you will have to be courteous and have the “Oh it’s nice to meet you” awkward conversation and then skulk away being disappointed which is never fun.By the same token, be honest about your appearance. If you’re a 50 year old man with a beer gut, then admit it. If you’re a large and lovely lady, be upfront about it. If you can’t be honest about your looks, then don’t get upset when someone tells you that your pictures are a false advertisement. It’s common sense.
PICK A TIME/LOCATION TO MEET.
Ladies, be smart about this. Don’t let some random man come to your house on the first meeting. And guys, don’t be offended if she tells you she’s uncomfortable with you coming over to her house on the first meeting. Use good judgment… listen to your gut. I have met men in public places and I have also invited them to my house on the first meeting. It was, however, acceptable ONLY after we had talked for a while and I had a good feeling about the guy. If I felt the slightest bit of nervousness for my safety, I never allowed it.
If you’re meeting in a public place, be polite and choose a spot that is halfway for both parties. That way, if you meet and hate each other or if you just aren’t feeling the love, you can part company and know that you spent just as much time driving there as they did. It’s comforting, trust me.
SET LOW EXPECTATIONS AT FIRST.
If you expect way too much, you will ALWAYS be disappointed. If this is your first time meeting someone in this manner, you will understand after you do it a few times. Girls, you know how we are. We go into things with emotional blinders on and once things go awry, we’re devastated. And guys… don’t worry. I’m not going to leave you out. Don’t expect that someone will drop their panties/trousers within the first 5 minutes of meeting. I mean, maybe 10 minutes into the meeting, we will do that. But not the first 5 minutes. Not gonna happen… sorry.
BE SAFE. BE SMART. BE PROTECTED.
And yes, in that order. BE SAFE. Meet in a place where there are a lot of people. That’s the best way to go. BE SMART. Be alert and aware of any funny business (that sounds very old lady-ish, doesn’t it?). Being nervous is normal. Feeling uncomfortable for a long period of time or fearing for your safety is NOT. Get out if you feel unsafe. If you worry about feeling awkward or you need an escape, take a friend with you. My friend did that one time. She went to meet a guy and took me with her. Once she discovered he was a total dumbass, she came up with a story on-the-spot that allowed her to escape and he was left sitting there clueless. Cruel? Maybe. But, we got the hell out of there and that’s what is important in this story. BE PROTECTED. Upon meeting, if you are both feeling the urge to tear each other’s clothes off, that’s all well and fine. I have sooooooooo been there and done that. I once ended up at a hotel with this guy I met soon after meeting and it was some of the best sex I ever had in my life. It was crazy and exciting and hot. But seriously, make sure you wrap it up. A box of condoms is very inexpensive. Spend a few dollars and protect yourself. Everytime. No exceptions. Damn… I should call that guy again. I’m feeling kind of ‘randy’ tonight! LOL
WORST CASE SCENARIO…YOU MAKE A POTENTIAL LIFE-LONG FRIEND.
Some of my closest friends are people I met on-line, believe it or not. I met some of them like 10 years ago and we’re still close friends to this day. You know as well as I do… if you don’t feel chemistry with someone, you can’t very well become intimate with that person (unless you wear beer goggles). Even if you do have chemistry and you two do decide to take it to the intimate level, you can still end up maintaining a strong friendship after the fact. I have several men in my life who sit in that seat. It’s a good thing. I’d rather have them in my life in that way than not have them in my life at all.
Meeting people on-line is actually a really great alternative. I almost prefer it now. It gives you the chance to really get to know someone before you meet in person (where that could expel all previous conversations in a damn hurry if you find out that person is a total loser!). You have the freedom to be yourself. You have the ability to divulge only what you want them to know. You don’t have to tell them your whole life story within the first 5 minutes. Take your time. Feel them out. Just be true to yourself… and keep it real.
Enjoy yourself. And remember… nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Take a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised! Best of luck in your upcoming conquests!
Read Diva’s guide on How To Talk Dirty – here
Read all of our Friday Pleasure Posts with their sexy how-to goodness – here