Jul 032009
 

Dr. Ruthie,

My last girlfriend told me that she was faking it with me.  She told me that when we broke up. I was totally surprised and hurt.  How can I know if my next girlfriend is faking orgasms? Sean

Sean,

Thanks for your great question.  First, let me say that I’m sorry to hear that your last relationship ended on such a painful note.  I would also feel shocked and hurt to hear such a thing.  It’s possible she lied about it, but either way that doesn’t answer your question.

Women fake their orgasms for many reasons.  She may not have known how to orgasm, or you may not have known how to help her have one.  Girls can get sexual performance anxiety too, so she may have felt like she needed to hurry up and fake getting off in order to be a good partner.  Perhaps she was getting bored, or was afraid that she was boring you.    Sometimes girls who don’t really want to be having sex (or keep having sex) will go ahead and fake an orgasm to “get it over with.”  I could keep listing possibilities all day.  These situations make me wonder about her self-esteem and self-awareness, both partner’s sexual skill levels, the expectations of each other, and the quality of the relationship.

I suggest that you begin your quest to avoid faked orgasms by using your mouth… and ears.  As you’re getting to know your next partner, ask her about the sexual things she has enjoyed in the past and things she didn’t enjoy so much.  As you’re talking, you might also ask about whether she has had orgasms, and if she knows what helps her to have them.  While some folks are shy to talk about these things, it can turn into a fun and sexy conversation that teaches you both about how to be good lovers for each other.  If she has regular orgasms, especially by masturbating, you might encourage her to do this for you so you can see what she likes and how she does it.  This is also a very hot way to have safer sex, as you can be intimate by watching each other and masturbating side-by-side without any risk. Whether you’re exploring her body with yours or watching each other explore, be sure to have lots of high quality lube around.  This helps to keep things happy and wet for her, even if the learning process is slow, funny or awkward.  Remember that you can take as long as you need to learn together, and that you can stop and start whenever you like without feeling bad.

A good long term, sexual relationship is built on strong communication and mutual trust.  While I am sad to hear how your last relationship ended, I also suspect that there were other problems with communication in addition to the faked orgasms (if she really was faking).  If you and your new partner cannot speak about and be supportive of each other’s sexual wants and needs in advance, then that should be a big warning sign of other problems.  And remember, these conversations (and demonstrations) can be fun, sexy, flirtatious and intimate in addition to useful!

However, you asked how to tell if she is faking.  An orgasm is a powerful experience that taps into many parts of the body, making it somewhat hard to deceive… a scientist.  A scientist can look at scans of the brain’s responses, check bodily chemical/hormone levels, measure vaginal contractions, and watch for other signs like clenching toes, changes in skin tone and respiration, etc..  But what about your typical lover, caught in the heat of the moment with a partner who is sending every signal that she is enjoying herself?  This is not the time to be suspiciously watching her to judge her orgasms, as it is likely to ruin the fun for both of you and lead her to wonder why you don’t trust her.  If you have made every effort to communicate well and then worked together to learn how to please her, then relax and enjoy the experience.  In the end, if you demonstrate that you are caring, patient and interested but she still fakes then she will miss out on the opportunity to develop sexual intimacy with you.  That is her loss.

Read all of my Q&A with Dr.Ruthie posts.

Feeling stuck or confused about something to do with sex & intimacy? I would love to hear your question. You can find my email and all of the fine print on my Sex Q&A tab, above.

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  One Response to “Q&A with Dr. Ruthie: Is She Faking It?”

  1. An excellent article and if you are interested in the statistics of women faking orgasm, hop over to http://www.esybron.org, click on Cumulative Data and then on Faking Orgasm to see what 7416 women had to say on the topic. You may be surprised to learn of the frequnecy and reasons given.

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