Mar 192013
 

When the media and the folks online turn their attention to a tragedy I often find myself getting overwhelmed. I would like to comment on the recent rape trial that is now in the media, but without adding to that sense of over saturation and despair. So, I decided to write the article that my heart really needs to read. I look forward to a day when articles like this are factual instead of satire.

Sweeping Social Change In Wake Of Stuebenville Rape Trial

STUEBENVILLE, Ohio (DrRuthieMedia) – News of a guilty verdict in the trial of two high schoolers accused of raping a fellow student has triggered an intense response, signaling a dramatic shift in how sexual assault is viewed in North America.

The judge announced his decision to a silent crowd gathered in the courtroom this past week, yet the emotional response was unquestionable. “Not only did these young men ruin their own lives, but they caused inexcusable harm to a fellow student as well. On a greater level, I believe we all feel a shared sense of responsibility for failing to prevent this tragedy,” shared Dr. Edmond Dnomde, parent of a student that attended the party at which the assault occurred. “There have been many conversations in my household about why our son didn’t act to stop the assault, and why our younger daughter felt it was acceptable to contribute to distributing it online. We all should have had these sorts of conversations earlier, so it could have made a difference in preventing this horrible event,” Dnomde added before leaving to volunteer at a fundraiser the PTA was facilitating for the local sexual assault crisis response hotline.

Community responses have been swift and powerful. Bishop Frank stood on the steps of a local parish, speaking to an unplanned gathering of parishioners that came to the church to work together to take action. “I just don’t get how somebody decides that their own pleasure and manliness is more important than another person’s basic safety and well-being. I don’t understand how others can fail to straighten them out at the first hint of such a plan. We should have moved past this long ago. I know this is far too late, but we’re going to help make sure we get it right,” said Frank, shortly before the crowd began to mobilize into action groups centered on educating youth, modeling gender equality in the home, and creating masculine communities of accountability. “This isn’t just about today,” said Renee Eener, a parishioner and facilitator of the group on equality in the home. “This is a multi-year commitment. We’re in this until all of our children are safe and looking out for each other, instead of preying on each other. And hopefully they will be able to pass the message to their own children, as well.”

Meanwhile, classmates of the victim and assailants had already begun to organize at Stuebenville High School, with solidarity groups around the world being organized on site by social media. “Our first goal is to get her name off the internet, as well as any remaining images and videos of the attack. It’s just another form of perping on her,” declared Maria Airam. “We have a few folks with special skills that are working on that now.” In the gym, teachers were gathered to receive additional special training. “We need to be able to provide safe spaces for all students. I need to know what to do when I hear rape humor or slut shaming in the hallways, so I can help our students grow into strong adults that know better than to say or think such things,” said Sandra Ardnas, who teaches advanced physics to honors students.

“I know most rapes go unreported, so I am expecting to hear from students who had not previously told anyone. It will be difficult, but I am doing everything I can to be ready to be a good ally and a safe person to talk to,” added English Literature teacher Ralph Hplar.

Across town, local police, mental health professionals, and community college students offered services to elementary and middle school students. Officer Reciffo of the Stuebenville Police Department said, “Kids are exposed to news like this before they are old enough to understand. It’s frightening enough for adults to recognize how a community has failed, and how young men in our midst could do such a thing. But these children do not even have words for their feelings. We want them to know that they’re safe, we believe and value them, and that they have the right to expect others to respect them physically, verbally, and emotionally.”

While the initial response to the trial was focused in large part around the futures of the perpetrators, the public quickly demanded better of the mainstream press. This morning mainstream media outlets offered a series of apologies and corrections for their coverage. “We regret the inappropriate focus of our earlier coverage,” said one outlet. “To ensure that this does not happen again, we have hired a team of diverse consultants as active members with a strong voice in our newsroom.” Other outlets have launched fundraisers for existing social justice efforts in an attempt to balance the harm caused.

But for the families involved, the atmosphere is much quieter. Reporters have largely stayed away from their homes and businesses out of respect for their privacy. A few visitors with casseroles and a steady stream of helping professionals has been noted by witnesses in the area. “We are surrounding her with love, respect, and hope in appropriate amounts. We will not turn our back on her, nor will we forget that this terrible experience does not define or limit who is and who she will someday be,” said one neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous. When asked for further information, neighbors simply asked reporters to encourage the public to consider donating to a scholarship for the victim to be used on the educational endeavors of her choice when she turns 21.

Mar 112013
 
When is it appropriate for us, as members of the public, to eroticize the persona and creations of a public person who did not intend sexualization just because that is what we would prefer to consume?
No, that isn’t want I want to ask.  I already know my opinion on that one.  How about this, instead:
Who owns your public persona, and the public interpretation of the things you create and do, once you’ve released them to the public?
No, cross out that last question.  The focus is warped toward to the artist.  Let me try that again:
How can we, as a society, stop ourselves from restricting a woman to a purely eroticized persona at the loss of every other part of her being, especially if we have seen her willingly sensually portrayed?
Maybe I could distill it one step further from a question to a directive: 
Listen to what she says about her sexuality.  Hold yourself to a higher standard when the message is that she is not being sexual and you find yourself saying “Yes you are” in response.  This is true even if you have exchanged resources to consume her sexual side in the past.   This is especially true if you don’t want it to be.
It sounds simple, and you would think that I know better by now, but I owe somebody an apology.
I went to the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum because I am in Santa Fe, NM (USA) attending an intensive professional training.  It seemed to me that every sex educator should make the pilgrimage across the plaza to the museum if they are in town.  I visited her collection because I wanted to see her beautiful paintings of labia and clitorises and vaginas and all things juicily vulvic.  Although I was aware that Georgia O’Keeffe had protested the eroticizing of her work, I had always responded with a knowing nod.  No need to be so coy, Georgia.  You’re among friends here.
Before delving into the paintings I stopped into the little theatre to watch the aging documentary short of O’Keefe’s life.  I was ready to hear the voice and learn the history of this amazing woman who gave the world lush, colourful, undulating, asymmetrical, enticing images of forbidden femininity like nobody else I had ever seen.  Instead, I got an education.  While I am no expert on O’Keeffe, I’ll do my best to sum up what I learned.

She made gorgeous art, much of it abstract, that caught the eye of a fellow artist and photographer that happened to own a prestigious gallery in NY City.  They became smitten with each other, and as part of their personal and professional partnership he showed her art in his gallery, inviting the world to know her creative brilliance.  Nobody made a peep about anything looking sexy.  As the movie said, “she painted her joy” and it was evident in her brushwork and colour.

Their relationships progressed on both levels, and she posed for a series of photographs taken by him.  The images were sensual, and as I sat there with a few other strangers in the little theatre we were treated to an image of her nude torso, invitingly displayed without her face for our unabashed viewing pleasure.  Another image followed, showing her topless, casually looking the viewer in the eye.  And then they returned to her nude image one more time, for good measure.  Finally!  Evidence that Georgia O’Keeffe loved oozing sex in her artwork!  I smugly awaited the next bout of information from the movie, but wasn’t what I expected.

Critics evidently thought the same thing I did about her photographs, and they didn’t forget that impression when they next saw her artwork.  Without asking her, they deemed it a steamy pile of sex and spread their assumptions about her saucy artistic endeavours far and wide.  The thing is, it wasn’t erotic art; it was a pack of eroticly primed and expectant viewers.  O’Keeffe was painting her joy, not her pussy, and she did not intend them to be one and the same.  She told them they were mistaken, but nobody listened and nobody cared.  Come on, Georgia.  No need to be coy, we’ve seen you naked.  We know what you’re about, we’re in on your little game and it’s delicious.

I was agast with her critics of the time and ashamed of my smug sexual pushiness and sexism.  I listened as the movie showed me what happened next.  She was so upset by the way in which her art was received that she abruptly changed her style, painting only realistic images of things like fruit that could not be misinterpreted.  Eventually she moved to flowers, which were painted in a largely realistic way, and again she was forced to assert the non-sexual nature of her work to ears that didn’t want to hear it.  She moved on to landscapes of New Mexico, frequently painting a very realistic image of the view before zooming in so that she could always point at the former to defend the latter.  No matter how many times O’Keeffe non-judgmentally insisted “It’s not me, it’s you” people winked in response and declared it not just a painting of a canyon wall but a giant crotch canyon of smouldering wanton lesbian lust.   After all, we saw her naked and in the picture next to that one she looked us right in the eye while topless.
Well, what the farts?!  Those clandestine pussy portraits weren’t pussies after all.  Close-ups of flowers’ sex organs were eroticized by me, not the her.  I didn’t listen when she directly told us that we had misinterpreted our sexual intent for hers.
I don’t have a problem with smiling to myself when I see her art.  I did it throughout the gallery.  However, that’s on me, as it should be.  Suddenly her art took on a new set of aspects for me as I searched for additional sources of meaning.  Two and a half hours later, I walked back to my hotel in the cold rain, thankful for having learned a great deal about myself as well as one of my brave heroes.
Mar 102013
 
Keeping my own company in Santa Fe

Keeping my own company in Santa Fe

There is something very special about traveling far away by myself. It gives me the chance to miss my sweetie, but also to not miss him while I go exploring according to my own whims. I discover things about myself that I didn’t know, or maybe had forgotten, when my pace and direction are purely selfish. There is something beautiful about eating alone in room full of partnered others, treating my book like a best friend with whom I’m proud to be seen. Every other solo person offers the potential for a moment of focused, authentic connection, if we’re both interested in that. Live music and a pretty drink aren’t a backdrop to conversation, so they get to hold their own meaning. Even being a little lonely is nice when you’re happy with where you are in that moment.

Mar 082013
 

maple leaves in snow

If you happen to be following me on facebook or twitter, you might have already heard the big news:

I’m now living and working in Ontario, Canada!

After spending the last several years in the Washington, DC area, I was offered a wonderful position as a full-time, tenure track faculty member at a major university.  They were specifically seeking someone with a background in family therapy, which have I began teaching in 2008, as well as someone with a specialization in sexuality.  After applying, being called for interview, and receiving an author we decided to relocate and build a new home there.  We moved up in December, I began teaching in January, and now I am about two months into my new position.  I couldn’t be happier and am so fortunate to be able to focus on sexual well-being as well as survivors of intimate violence in an environment where I am supported and encouraged.  Yay!

So what does this mean for the blog, my workshops around North America, my writing, and more?  Well, it means more of all the good stuff, since I am no longer focusing on sexuality in my “spare” time.  I am taking 2013 off from all major sexuality events and conventions (the kind for the public vs. academics) in order to a running start with returning to more academic and professional presenting.  However, I plan to return to select public sexuality events in 2014 and will be sure to share that schedule as it happens.  This year I have already presented two workshops at the IFTA International Family Therapy World Congress, one on working with kinky and/or poly relationships, and the other on my research with survivors of intimate partner violence.  Later this year I will be offering a poster on kinky/poly relationships and a workshop on working with various demographics at AASECT.  I have one more conference at which I’m hoping to present, but am still awaiting the results.  Plus, I’m offering a workshop just for select high school students on designing your own statement of sex-positivity!  I am also diving into some exciting research and academic writing, which I couldn’t be happier about.  Plus, you know, if you’re a grad student who might like to study under me, you can always apply to our program!

Alright, I think that should bring all of you up to date for now.  I’m happy to field any questions!

Dr. Ruthie

Nov 162012
 
Stencil Stating: Many Hands Make Light Work with images of hands

From the Icarus Project

Yesterday David Brooks, Op-Ed Columnist for The New York Times published an interesting piece entitled The Age of Possibility, in which he explores some recent research that shows an increase in single-hood across many nations, as well as a decline in fertility rates.  Clearly these statistics have large national and global political and financial implications.  This information is neither new nor surprising, so Mr. Brooks tacks on his two cents by shaking his fist at young adults these days before suggesting we wait to see whether this is a problem before passing judgement.

This is an interesting piece, but I am disappointed in the author from my perspective as someone who studies family and relational well-being.  Although he hints at additional options, he only discusses single-hood and “traditional” 2 parent families.  It would have been nice to see him not only look at smaller family structures, but also larger ones such as multigenerational microsystems (multiple generations actively working together as a single unit and perhaps living together), large and supportive step-families, intimate relationships consisting of more than two adults, and others.

I am not surprised that the author failed to address larger family structures and mindful single-hood, though, especially given this sentence near the end:

“They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice — commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

Way to restrict the definition of what counts as a family and what counts as commitment beyond the self, buddy!

Since demographers rarely ask about these “non-traditional” structures (which have always been around but rarely studied, valued, or recognized), when a person marks “single” on a survey they may just be marking “I don’t meet any of your other categories”.   Who knows how many of these “single” folks aren’t also “enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice” — familial or otherwise?  Furthermore, Mr. Brook’s dismissive wave toward those who are actually single makes his own biased opinions of adult single-hood as an irresponsible, immature and self-centered phase all too clear.

Go take a gander at the original piece and tell me what you think.  I’m curious if any of these issues, or others, also stood out to you and what your take on them may be!

Nov 072012
 

Dear US friends:

Please look out for each other today and for the next few weeks. Some folks are quite angry over the election results and there are pledges of violence against our most vulnerable communities. This is especially true in red states and counties. If you are in a privileged group, please turn to those peers (whether you like them or not) and make it clear that verbal, social, financial, and physical violence are not acceptable responses to political disappointment. It’s the job of folks with privilege to use that status to monitor and hold accountable within our own group. It is NOT the job of those at risk to try to make us behave like reasonable humans.

If you, like me, have some undue privilege that you can safely leverage, here are a few places to start:

  • Take some time to do your own research on what vulnerable communities in your neighborhood could use from you. Don’t tell them what you can do, ask them what you can do. Ensure you are doing more listening than talking.
  • Use a firm, concise voice to point out that violent humor is neither acceptable nor humorous.
  • Model nonviolent conversation and behavior in public, especially in front of children in your care. This is even more important around topics where the election didn’t go the way you/they hoped for.
  • Ensure that you are aligning yourself with political and religious groups/activities that are nonviolent in their work. If your group/s have some questionable aspects, either work to change them from the inside or withdraw your participation and support.
  • If you know of individuals or groups that are planning violence, document and report it. Raise the alert with the folks they’re targeting. Do not allow it to happen by remaining silent.

It can be uncomfortable to do these things, and you may lose some priveleged friends. That probably means you’re doing it right. Remember that folks with undue privilege have much less at risk here, even if it is an unpleasant experience.

These are tips taken from my work around community prevention of domestic violence that cross over into other areas of community violence prevention. I would appreciate any other suggestions or feedback!