Sex News | Exploring Intimacy

Thinking About Georgia O’Keeffe

Mar 112013

When is it appropriate for us, as members of the public, to eroticize the persona and creations of a public person who did not intend sexualization just because that is what we would prefer to consume?

No, that isn’t want I want to ask. I already know my opinion on that one. How about this, instead:

Who owns your public persona, and the public interpretation of the things you create and do, once you’ve released them to the public?

No, cross out that last question. The focus is warped toward to the artist. Let me try that again:

How can we, as a society, stop ourselves from restricting a woman to a purely eroticized persona at the loss of every other part of her being, especially if we have seen her willingly sensually portrayed?

Maybe I could distill it one step further from a question to a directive:

Listen to what she says about her sexuality. Hold yourself to a higher standard when the message is that she is not being sexual and you find yourself saying “Yes you are” in response. This is true even if you have exchanged resources to consume her sexual side in the past. This is especially true if you don’t want it to be.

It sounds simple, and you would think that I know better by now, but I owe somebody an apology.

I went to the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum because I am in Santa Fe, NM (USA) attending an intensive professional training. It seemed to me that every sex educator should make the pilgrimage across the plaza to the museum if they are in town. I visited her collection because I wanted to see her beautiful paintings of labia and clitorises and vaginas and all things juicily vulvic. Although I was aware that Georgia O’Keeffe had protested the eroticizing of her work, I had always responded with a knowing nod. No need to be so coy, Georgia. You’re among friends here.

Before delving into the paintings I stopped into the little theatre to watch the aging documentary short of O’Keefe’s life. I was ready to hear the voice and learn the history of this amazing woman who gave the world lush, colourful, undulating, asymmetrical, enticing images of forbidden femininity like nobody else I had ever seen. Instead, I got an education. While I am no expert on O’Keeffe, I’ll do my best to sum up what I learned.

She made gorgeous art, much of it abstract, that caught the eye of a fellow artist and photographer that happened to own a prestigious gallery in NY City. They became smitten with each other, and as part of their personal and professional partnership he showed her art in his gallery, inviting the world to know her creative brilliance. Nobody made a peep about anything looking sexy. As the movie said, “she painted her joy” and it was evident in her brushwork and colour.

Their relationships progressed on both levels, and she posed for a series of photographs taken by him. The images were sensual, and as I sat there with a few other strangers in the little theatre we were treated to an image of her nude torso, invitingly displayed without her face for our unabashed viewing pleasure. Another image followed, showing her topless, casually looking the viewer in the eye. And then they returned to her nude image one more time, for good measure. Finally! Evidence that Georgia O’Keeffe loved oozing sex in her artwork! I smugly awaited the next bout of information from the movie, but wasn’t what I expected.

Critics evidently thought the same thing I did about her photographs, and they didn’t forget that impression when they next saw her artwork. Without asking her, they deemed it a steamy pile of sex and spread their assumptions about her saucy artistic endeavours far and wide. The thing is, it wasn’t erotic art; it was a pack of eroticly primed and expectant viewers. O’Keeffe was painting her joy, not her pussy, and she did not intend them to be one and the same. She told them they were mistaken, but nobody listened and nobody cared. Come on, Georgia. No need to be coy, we’ve seen you naked. We know what you’re about, we’re in on your little game and it’s delicious.

I was agast with her critics of the time and ashamed of my smug sexual pushiness and sexism. I listened as the movie showed me what happened next. She was so upset by the way in which her art was received that she abruptly changed her style, painting only realistic images of things like fruit that could not be misinterpreted. Eventually she moved to flowers, which were painted in a largely realistic way, and again she was forced to assert the non-sexual nature of her work to ears that didn’t want to hear it. She moved on to landscapes of New Mexico, frequently painting a very realistic image of the view before zooming in so that she could always point at the former to defend the latter. No matter how many times O’Keeffe non-judgmentally insisted “It’s not me, it’s you” people winked in response and declared it not just a painting of a canyon wall but a giant crotch canyon of smouldering wanton lesbian lust. After all, we saw her naked and in the picture next to that one she looked us right in the eye while topless.

Well, what the farts?! Those clandestine pussy portraits weren’t pussies after all. Close-ups of flowers’ sex organs were eroticized by me, not the her. I didn’t listen when she directly told us that we had misinterpreted our sexual intent for hers.

I don’t have a problem with smiling to myself when I see her art. I did it throughout the gallery. However, that’s on me, as it should be. Suddenly her art took on a new set of aspects for me as I searched for additional sources of meaning. Two and a half hours later, I walked back to my hotel in the cold rain, thankful for having learned a great deal about myself as well as one of my brave heroes.

NY Times Exposes Small Thinking About Families And Commitment

Nov 162012

Stencil Stating: Many Hands Make Light Work with images of hands

From the Icarus Project

Yesterday David Brooks, Op-Ed Columnist for The New York Times published an interesting piece entitled The Age of Possibility, in which he explores some recent research that shows an increase in single-hood across many nations, as well as a decline in fertility rates. Clearly these statistics have large national and global political and financial implications. This information is neither new nor surprising, so Mr. Brooks tacks on his two cents by shaking his fist at young adults these days before suggesting we wait to see whether this is a problem before passing judgement.

This is an interesting piece, but I am disappointed in the author from my perspective as someone who studies family and relational well-being. Although he hints at additional options, he only discusses single-hood and “traditional” 2 parent families. It would have been nice to see him not only look at smaller family structures, but also larger ones such as multigenerational microsystems (multiple generations actively working together as a single unit and perhaps living together), large and supportive step-families, intimate relationships consisting of more than two adults, and others.

I am not surprised that the author failed to address larger family structures and mindful single-hood, though, especially given this sentence near the end:

“They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice — commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

Way to restrict the definition of what counts as a family and what counts as commitment beyond the self, buddy!

Since demographers rarely ask about these “non-traditional” structures (which have always been around but rarely studied, valued, or recognized), when a person marks “single” on a survey they may just be marking “I don’t meet any of your other categories”. Who knows how many of these “single” folks aren’t also “enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice” — familial or otherwise? Furthermore, Mr. Brook’s dismissive wave toward those who are actually single makes his own biased opinions of adult single-hood as an irresponsible, immature and self-centered phase all too clear.

Go take a gander at the original piece and tell me what you think. I’m curious if any of these issues, or others, also stood out to you and what your take on them may be!

Bad Habits That Kill Relationships — For Heterosexual Guys

Nov 252011

It takes something special to get a woman to gush about your date over coffee with her friends. But unfortunately, it takes a lot less to get her to gripe to her friends about a date gone wrong. In fact, my Twitter followers were eager to chime in when I asked what their deal breakers were! Read my full piece at PRZMan.com to find out if you’re falling into these three bad habits that can damage your dating reputation.

–Click here for the whole story.

Get Your Goodies to Go with the Babeland Goodie Bag

Nov 232010

You all know that I am a lube snob, and that I advocate using a good, high-quality lube whenever things get hot and heavy. But I admit that sometimes it’s not too convenient to carry around a bottle of your favorite slick stuff just in case the mood strikes! Vacation travel can also be difficult, especially with airport security reducing the liquids people carry with them and airlines raising prices for checked luggage to make it more and more difficult to bring your sex supplies with you. Luckily for all of us, Babeland is offering the Goodie Bag, a collection of high-quality, travel-ready lubes and condoms, for that spur-of-the-moment intimacy or vacation lovin’. Plus, until the end of the year, $2 of every Goodie Bag purchase goes toward GLBT causes!

Toy: Goodie Bag (sent by Babeland.com for review)
Type: 6 lube packets (3 different types), 2 sheer latex condoms
Manufacturer: Babeland
Material: Lubes are all glycerine-free and water-based, other ingredients vary
Price: $6.50

Perfect for intimacy on-the-go
Nothing makes the act of giving a gift to yourself feel even better than knowing that you’re doing something worthwhile for others at the same time. That’s why I’m pleased that Babeland has been donating $2 from every purchase of a Babeland Goodie Bag to three GLBT causes (the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Northwest Network of Bisexual, Trans, Lesbian & Gay Survivors of Abuse, and the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project), and will continue to make these donations for any Goodie Bag purchased before the end of the year.

Of course, there’s more to the Goodie Bag than social outreach; you’re also getting the perfect set of travel-sized lubes and a couple condoms! So many people share with me their interest in spontaneous intimacy with themselves or their partners; sneaking some quick loving into everyday situations gives a titillating sense of taboo, and sharing it with a partner can make one feel seductive and irresistible. The problem with such spontaneity is, of course, that you might not always have the supplies on-hand to facilitate your intimacy. That’s what makes the little one-shot lube packets provided in the Goodie Bag so perfect! Tuck a couple into your purse or briefcase with the sheer latex condoms that also come in the Goodie Bag, and you’ll be prepared when opportunity knocks for spur-of-the-moment intimacy. Or you can put the lube packets into your carry-on for your holiday travel without needing to worry about exceeding TSA’s guidelines for liquids.

The Goodie Bag contains 6 lube packets (2 each of 3 different brands) and a pair of sheer latex lubricated condoms. All three brands of lube–Entice, Babelube, and Babeland Naturals Naked Lube–are glycerine-free, water-safe, and high-quality. I’ve previously reviewed Babelube and the Naked Lube (you can find those reviews here and here), and found them both to be delightful choices for intimacy enhancement. This is my first time encountering Entice, but I was pleased with its slickness, which made it almost feel like a silicone/water hybrid (though it’s all water-based and so safe for use with silicone toys). The condoms are Babeland-brand lubricated sheer latex condoms, and are high-quality and ready for use.

Overall, the Goodie Bag is an excellent purchase to prepare yourself for that perfect situation to get some loving on without premeditation, or to set yourself up to go home for the holidays without giving up all your lubes or moving them to tiny bottles. In addition, these one-use lube packets also lend themselves well to safer sex play with multiple partners, since you won’t be using the same lube bottle with several people and so don’t have to worry about inadvertent contamination through something touching the bottle. And again, until the end of 2010, $2 of every Goodie Bag purchased will go to worthwhile GLBT causes, so it’s the perfect time to treat yourself to the chance at spontaneous intimacy!

View all my Babeland reviews.
Enter to win a Groovy Chick in our December contest.

HIV, Lube Quality, and Anal Sex: Scare Tactics at the LA Times

May 282010

Wet Platinum for Easy Pumping

Hey LA Times, quit trying scare people off using anal lube with your unethical writing! You should know better!

This past week the LA Times came out with this frightening, unfounded and rediculously sex-negative announcement, written by Thomas H. Maugh II:

Lubricants may increase disease risk of anal sex, studies show

I wonder how many people read to the bottom of the article to note that it depends on the quality of the lube you’re using. Furthermore, the beginning of the article notes that using lube during anal penetration (for men and women) may increase HIV, however it clearly states later in the article that the researchers were only testing for gonorrhea and chlamydia. A different team would be checking into the HIV question in a later study. That’s right, they are discussing two different studies and not giving full reference information for either, making it very difficult to double check the original studies for ourselves. Argh!

Ok, so lets dive in a bit more and see what is going on here, according to the LA Times:

- A group of researchers (Pamina H. Gorbach and colleagues) at UCLA tested men and women for gonorrhea and chlamydia and also asked them about their anal sex habits, including what whether they use lubes and what kinds. They found that about half use lubes, and those who used lubes were about “3x more likely to have contracted a rectal infection.” Because this data does not appear to have been published, and is cited only as being from “a Pittsburgh microbicides meeting” I have no way to see if the rectal infections in general are limited to the 2 STIs they tested for or not. I also have no opportunity to look for other possibilities. For instance, I would like to know if they controlled for the frequency of anal intercourse or for condom use. In other words, did they take into account the possibility that people who use lube might also be having far more anal intercourse? Did they ask about condoms and, if so, what was the impact there? There is no way to find out from this article. Shoddy reporting!

- Then, the article brought in a second study. In this study Charlene Dezzutti and her colleagues at U of Pittsburg reported that they tested 6 popular lubes on rectal cells. They discovered that “many of the products had high concentrations of dissolved salts and sugars that draw water out of cells, weakening and even killing the cells. Some of them even stripped away significant portions of the surface epithelial cells on the rectal tissue, the layer of cells that serves as a protective barrier.” In other words, crappy lubricants are bad for you. We knew this already, although this does provide back-up information with helpful details. PRE and Wet Platinum (a silicone based lube) were the safest while Astroglide was the most toxic in their study. KY was bad for rectal bacteria (much of which can be healthy to have there) and ID Glide and Elbow Grease faired in the middle. There was no info given on which types of Astroglide, KY, or Elbow Grease were used… we don’t even know if they were water or oil based! And I can’t readily find out either, because the author neglected to give a date or media information for how this data was announced or published. Seriously crappy reporting!

What can we learn from this?

- First of all, please be a savvy consumer of research. If you could not look up the study for yourself based on the news article then something sneaky is afoot. You need to be able to evaluate the original source for yourself; that’s what quality dissemination of scientific research is based upon!

- Secondly, be nice to your anus! Use a high quality lubricant that is glycerine free. What about the first study? There simply isn’t enough information in the LA Times article to even begin to know whether we should listen and, if so, what it means. We certainly know that skipping the lube increases the risk of risk of friction damage to your delicate anal tissues, and it can make things feel very, very unenjoyable. Friction damage to tissue increases the risk of infection plus friction can also weaken condoms. It would be a huge mistake to suggest that we should go without any lubricant at all for anal penetration! Pick out a high quality product and proceed with protected, lubricated pleasure.

So, LA Times and Thomas H. Maugh II, you’ve been caught red handed with a piece of highly irresponsible journalism. What is your response?

___________

I encourage you to comment on the original article at the LA Times website and to contact them about their poor writing. We certainly don’t need this kind of sex-negative, unethical, and incorrect crap coming out of our newspapers!

Comments are moderated, so who knows if mine will show up. Here is my official comment below, for anyone who is interested:

What a poorly written piece of scare tactics! Mr. Maugh and the LA Times should be ashamed for such poor writing – have they no idea of how to review a piece of scientific research? Furthermore, there is inadequate information given to access the original research information in order to evaluate the findings for myself.

Clearly the quality of ingredients in lubricants make a big difference; trained sexuality educators have known this for a long time. There are also significant risks associated with not using lubricants. And, as other commenters have noted, we have no information about other potentially important variables like condom use or frequency of anal intercourse. Instead, HIV is mentioned at the opening to grab our attention, yet none of the research teams mentioned have even applied their studies to HIV risk yet. Mr. Maugh, are you seriously suggesting that we go without anal lubricant with this one sided article and assume the risks that go with such a decision? Your unethical writing is inexcusable and I have encouraged my readers to recognize it as such at my blog.

Irresistible Seduction: From Fantasy to Bedroom

Mar 082010

Black Lace Lips by Nina C.

There I stood at the front of the room with a playful feather-tipped whip in my grasp, the short rubber tails resting in the palm of my other. I smiled down at one of my favorite workshop attendees, gave her wink, and then slowly narrowed my eyes as the rubber tails began to slap against my open hand in a slow rhythm.

“I hear you were naughty, very naughty. I can’t allow you to be naughty like that without paying the price. Are you ready to tell me what you did?”

The room is quietly transfixed, watching my quick transformation from bubbly and educational into an example of a confident and assertive partner with the promise of exotic pleasures shining in my eyes. Not just any pleasures, mind you, but the kind of sexy fun that gives permission to be naughtier than my fictional accusations with no regrets and no risk. After all, an invitation like that tells a lover that she or he has permission to let down their guard, join my fantasy and make it real.

“Oh, yes!” came her eager response in a stage whisper, triggering a wave of laughter through our group.

That night I was discussing the value of props during dirty talk, but I had clearly found a topic of interest with my participants that night (and not just my target). The questions came fast and furious after the workshop:

How do I get my partner to do something new?
Where does that confidence come from, and how do I tap in without feeling silly?
I’ve always wanted to try something special but he won’t initiate. How can I suggest it without it falling flat?
We’re both the passive type. Is there a way to invite my partner to be more assertive with me, without them feeling nervous about mistreating me?
And my favorite: Can you teach me how to stand up and look smooth saying something like that?

Let me tell you, every person of every gender has an inner vixen ready to be invited into their bedroom. Whether you’re shy, passive, inexperienced, or simply unpracticed in making this kind of leap with a partner, I promise it is there. How do I know? Helping clients to tap into this facet of themselves is just one of the many wonderful parts of my job! Sometimes it comes easily, just waiting to be unleashed. Other times it’s a delightful process of discovery and intimate growth between partners. Not only can a bit of sensual dominance add incredible excitement to a relationship, it can also be a deeply intimate route to improved communication, playfulness and an opportunity to grow together as a relationship.

How to start? Begin by looking for your voice by hunting through quality erotic stories of sensual dominance. You need not be the dirtiest sailor in town, nor do you need to be the dominant partner in your relationship. That’s right, you can initiate just far enough to give your partner the inspiration and direction to take charge for the rest of your interlude. Regardless of whether you’re a smoldering dominatrix or a shy librarian on a mission, once you’ve found a natural persona you can work with you’ll be ready to tap into the other elements of your fantasy including your plot, props, pleasure points, poise and sensual words.

Ready to learn more? You’re in luck!

Join me for a live workshop this weekend at the lovely Lotus Blooms in Alexandria, details below. Not in the DC area this weekend? You can also check out my series of workshops on Fantasies for the Shy at the wonderful KinkAcademy .

When you’re ready to take Irresistible Seduction to new heights, drop me a line to schedule your one-on-one session with me. My clients come from all over the world, thanks to the magic of Skype, as well as from the DC area!

Irresistible Seduction: From Fantasy to Bedroom

Sat, March 13, 8:00pm – 9:30pm
Lotus Blooms at 1017 King Street, Alexandria, VA. (703) 535-8225 (map)
You requested this topic at our January workshop, Fantasies for the Shy, and here it is! Ready to heat things up this March? Enter a new level of seduction as you entice your lover with an irresistible touch of sensual dominance, even if you’ve never dared to before. Bring voice, poise, and titillation into alignment as Dr. Ruthie guides you in exactly how to bring this fantasy from your imagination to your bedroom. Arrive early to shop with Dr.Ruthie at 7pm, then join us for the workshop at 8pm sharp. This event is open to all genders, sexualities, relationships and singles. Reservations are suggested to ensure your seat, cost is $20. Call (703) 535-8225 for info and tickets.

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