Jul 032011

The card states: I don't know how to masturbate.

First thing every Sunday morning I bumble over to my laptop and check out the newest PostSecret pieces.  They often give me pause to think, and sometimes they make go hug someone as soon as possible.  But this one is making me obsess a bit.  On the front it bares the text “I don’t know how to masturbate.”  According to the PostSecret URL (which often has extra information), the back asks if anyone else has the problem.   I wish I had a way to contact the person who submitted this question and tell them yes. No matter your gender, sexuality, or anatomy… yes.  Many, many folks have the same problem.  Even better than not being alone is the news that there are many wonderful resources to help you learn how, when and if you want to.  Patient, kind, caring sexual well-being educators who don’t judge in the least are reading your card and hoping that you’ll contact them.  I know I am.  We each deserve to enjoy our sexual energy and pleasure, regardless of our past experiences (or lack of experience).  Am I right or am I right?!

Information on how to masturbate, from Scarleteen.

Betty Dodson writes about masturbation on her blog and has affordable ebooks on how to orgasm, not to mention some very fine DVDs on the topic.  She also offers sex coaching.



May 062011

In spite of all the bad press, I can tell you with absolute certainty that the world is full of amazing guys who really care about pleasuring their partners.  Yes, that even includes straight guys!  At a recent workshop for men with female partners, I reviewed twelve top myths about male sexuality that I see as a coach.  When it came time to talk about the specifics of anatomy, pleasure, and technique, I wanted to make sure that guys would have resources they could use at home, too. So, I passed this DVD around and suggested that they each consider getting a copy for themselves and their sweeties.  I don’t usually recommend a specific product (versus a general range of products) at my workshops, but this video is such an excellent blend of sexiness, education, and comfortable tone, there just isn’t anything better on the topic.

Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is a must-have, sexy educational video on female pleasure


Tristan Taormino is known for her excellent and sexy educational videos, and she continues to impress me with the quality of her DVD offerings.  This recent video offering from Vivid Video is a guide to female pleasure and orgasm, and it is the best one of its type that I have seen.  It starts with great discussions of technique and then some sexy interviews, followed by long explicit scenes featuring authentic female pleasure, one couple at a time.

The Expert Guide features an ethnically diverse cast made up of popular stars from both the mainstream heterosexual and queer porn worlds.  It’s full of accurate, concise information on the female anatomy and orgasm, with both male/female and female/female couples demonstrating their chemistry, arousal, and orgasms in a very female-centric manner.  As you might guess, the video has a huge emphasis on female orgasm; it’s the centerpiece of the explicit scenes, with only two male orgasms taking place during the entire DVD and no facial come shots.  Since the female performers in this video chose their partners for their scenes, the chemistry shows in their genuine interactions.  There are also a lot of extras with information on toys, Kegel exercises, masturbation and other related topics.

There is very little negative to say about the Expert Guide to Female Orgasms.  Those who are simply watching to see women getting off will need to do some fast-forwarding to get past the educational beginning, but the sexy explicit scenes are worthwhile even if they are the only portion you watch; it’s tough to find real female orgasms in porn, and so exciting and refreshing to see such powerful ones as are on this DVD.  Also, while the body types of the performers are diverse, there aren’t any particularly fat cast members, so those who are interested in bodies with more cushion may feel a bit left out.

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is one of my most highly recommended educational videos.  It’s absolutely perfect for couples with a female partner to watch and enjoy together in order to learn about her pleasure.  I’d be surprised to hear from anyone who can make it to the end of the video without trying some of its suggestions themselves before it’s over!


Oct 012010

Every G Spot is different, but they also have things in common

Ready to take your G-Spot explorations to the next level with a G Spot vibrator?  Then you’ll want to be sure to watch my new video on how to choose and use a toy designed just for your G-Spot!  Thanks so much to FunWares for making this educational series possible.

Jul 032009

Dr. Ruthie,

My last girlfriend told me that she was faking it with me.  She told me that when we broke up. I was totally surprised and hurt.  How can I know if my next girlfriend is faking orgasms? Sean


Thanks for your great question.  First, let me say that I’m sorry to hear that your last relationship ended on such a painful note.  I would also feel shocked and hurt to hear such a thing.  It’s possible she lied about it, but either way that doesn’t answer your question.

Women fake their orgasms for many reasons.  She may not have known how to orgasm, or you may not have known how to help her have one.  Girls can get sexual performance anxiety too, so she may have felt like she needed to hurry up and fake getting off in order to be a good partner.  Perhaps she was getting bored, or was afraid that she was boring you.    Sometimes girls who don’t really want to be having sex (or keep having sex) will go ahead and fake an orgasm to “get it over with.”  I could keep listing possibilities all day.  These situations make me wonder about her self-esteem and self-awareness, both partner’s sexual skill levels, the expectations of each other, and the quality of the relationship.

I suggest that you begin your quest to avoid faked orgasms by using your mouth… and ears.  As you’re getting to know your next partner, ask her about the sexual things she has enjoyed in the past and things she didn’t enjoy so much.  As you’re talking, you might also ask about whether she has had orgasms, and if she knows what helps her to have them.  While some folks are shy to talk about these things, it can turn into a fun and sexy conversation that teaches you both about how to be good lovers for each other.  If she has regular orgasms, especially by masturbating, you might encourage her to do this for you so you can see what she likes and how she does it.  This is also a very hot way to have safer sex, as you can be intimate by watching each other and masturbating side-by-side without any risk. Whether you’re exploring her body with yours or watching each other explore, be sure to have lots of high quality lube around.  This helps to keep things happy and wet for her, even if the learning process is slow, funny or awkward.  Remember that you can take as long as you need to learn together, and that you can stop and start whenever you like without feeling bad.

A good long term, sexual relationship is built on strong communication and mutual trust.  While I am sad to hear how your last relationship ended, I also suspect that there were other problems with communication in addition to the faked orgasms (if she really was faking).  If you and your new partner cannot speak about and be supportive of each other’s sexual wants and needs in advance, then that should be a big warning sign of other problems.  And remember, these conversations (and demonstrations) can be fun, sexy, flirtatious and intimate in addition to useful!

However, you asked how to tell if she is faking.  An orgasm is a powerful experience that taps into many parts of the body, making it somewhat hard to deceive… a scientist.  A scientist can look at scans of the brain’s responses, check bodily chemical/hormone levels, measure vaginal contractions, and watch for other signs like clenching toes, changes in skin tone and respiration, etc..  But what about your typical lover, caught in the heat of the moment with a partner who is sending every signal that she is enjoying herself?  This is not the time to be suspiciously watching her to judge her orgasms, as it is likely to ruin the fun for both of you and lead her to wonder why you don’t trust her.  If you have made every effort to communicate well and then worked together to learn how to please her, then relax and enjoy the experience.  In the end, if you demonstrate that you are caring, patient and interested but she still fakes then she will miss out on the opportunity to develop sexual intimacy with you.  That is her loss.

Read all of my Q&A with Dr.Ruthie posts.

Feeling stuck or confused about something to do with sex & intimacy? I would love to hear your question. You can find my email and all of the fine print on my Sex Q&A tab, above.

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Jun 292009


The Womalia - Best of the Best

The Womalia - Best of the Best

  • Toy: Womolia
  • Type: premium rechargeable vibrator with 3 speeds spread over 9 settings… and it also heats
  • Manufacturer: Emotional Bliss
  • Material:  Hard plastic, with silver ions that make it anti-bacterial
  • Cost: $99.95
  • SMT rating: 0-2, depending on setting

Sound the trumpets and wave the flags, because this is a day I never thought would come.  

For the first time in six years, I am proud to announce a new favorite toy.  Yes, my friends, the amazing Hitachi Magic Wand must now yield its cherished seat of honor to the Womolia.  

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Jun 152009


A We-Vibe in the hand actually isn't quite as good as 1 in the...

A We-Vibe in the hand actually isn't quite as good as 1 in the...

Toy: We-Vibe

Type: rechargeable, innie & outtie, vibrator (also includes case and charger)

Material: Silicone (medical grade)

Cost: about $130

Power: moderate, but with an SMT of 0.

Back during the last time I was single there was a period of several months when I declared a refillable travel mug to be my new partner.  His name was George, but I lovingly called him Mug-mug.  Mug-mug would give me cheap refills of hot coco from a local gourmet chocolate shop, thus providing warm and sensual comfort on demand while asking very little of me in return.  My ex even confessed that he was a little jealous of Mug-mug, adding to its attractiveness.  All he needed was a gentle hand washing and about $1 per refill, which is a remarkably good deal for constant, soothing companionship.  Mug-mug was a fantastic rebound partner and when I started to tire of him he graciously got lost, as a good rebound should.

If only the We-Vibe had been around I could have saved myself many trips to the chocolate shop and serveral thousand callories.  Actually, I would have probably tried to get the three of us together, but that’s completely besides the point!  I’m writing to review the We-Vibe, the perfect companion for female lovers of: books, blogging, porn, strapping it on, cowgirl sex, bondage bunnies, and lazily blissful erotic stimulation.  That should cover nearly everyone (with a vagina) that reads my stuff!  Keep reading for the review, and my list of 10 sexy ideas for your We-Vibe.

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