Oct 242010
 

The We Vibe 2

Does it get any better than this?  The wonderful folks at FunWares.com are giving away a We Vibe 2 to celebrate my new educational YouTube series, and to enter all you need to do is ask a question for me to address in an upcoming video!  That’s it – no need to sign up for anything plus I’ll be picking one or two of your entries every week to use for an educational video.  While you’re at it, take a moment to browse all of my videos in this series.

In order to enter you must send all of your questions by 11/15/2010 to: AskRuthie@FunWares.com

Read all the details and rules right here.

Alrighty folks, have fun and send me all those super secret questions you’ve been wondering about.  I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with – maybe you can even make me blush on YouTube!


Feb 252010
 

Below is my most recent Sexpert Advice post at the wonderful comprehensive sexuality ed website for teens and young adults, Scarleteen.

Why are male condoms so big? I understand that they’re designed and fitted for adult men, but it seems like they’re better suited for covering an overripe banana. Do they sell smaller-sized and/or better-fitting condoms for guys?

I’m so glad that you wrote in with this question!

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Jul 032009
 

Dr. Ruthie,

My last girlfriend told me that she was faking it with me.  She told me that when we broke up. I was totally surprised and hurt.  How can I know if my next girlfriend is faking orgasms? Sean

Sean,

Thanks for your great question.  First, let me say that I’m sorry to hear that your last relationship ended on such a painful note.  I would also feel shocked and hurt to hear such a thing.  It’s possible she lied about it, but either way that doesn’t answer your question.

Women fake their orgasms for many reasons.  She may not have known how to orgasm, or you may not have known how to help her have one.  Girls can get sexual performance anxiety too, so she may have felt like she needed to hurry up and fake getting off in order to be a good partner.  Perhaps she was getting bored, or was afraid that she was boring you.    Sometimes girls who don’t really want to be having sex (or keep having sex) will go ahead and fake an orgasm to “get it over with.”  I could keep listing possibilities all day.  These situations make me wonder about her self-esteem and self-awareness, both partner’s sexual skill levels, the expectations of each other, and the quality of the relationship.

I suggest that you begin your quest to avoid faked orgasms by using your mouth… and ears.  As you’re getting to know your next partner, ask her about the sexual things she has enjoyed in the past and things she didn’t enjoy so much.  As you’re talking, you might also ask about whether she has had orgasms, and if she knows what helps her to have them.  While some folks are shy to talk about these things, it can turn into a fun and sexy conversation that teaches you both about how to be good lovers for each other.  If she has regular orgasms, especially by masturbating, you might encourage her to do this for you so you can see what she likes and how she does it.  This is also a very hot way to have safer sex, as you can be intimate by watching each other and masturbating side-by-side without any risk. Whether you’re exploring her body with yours or watching each other explore, be sure to have lots of high quality lube around.  This helps to keep things happy and wet for her, even if the learning process is slow, funny or awkward.  Remember that you can take as long as you need to learn together, and that you can stop and start whenever you like without feeling bad.

A good long term, sexual relationship is built on strong communication and mutual trust.  While I am sad to hear how your last relationship ended, I also suspect that there were other problems with communication in addition to the faked orgasms (if she really was faking).  If you and your new partner cannot speak about and be supportive of each other’s sexual wants and needs in advance, then that should be a big warning sign of other problems.  And remember, these conversations (and demonstrations) can be fun, sexy, flirtatious and intimate in addition to useful!

However, you asked how to tell if she is faking.  An orgasm is a powerful experience that taps into many parts of the body, making it somewhat hard to deceive… a scientist.  A scientist can look at scans of the brain’s responses, check bodily chemical/hormone levels, measure vaginal contractions, and watch for other signs like clenching toes, changes in skin tone and respiration, etc..  But what about your typical lover, caught in the heat of the moment with a partner who is sending every signal that she is enjoying herself?  This is not the time to be suspiciously watching her to judge her orgasms, as it is likely to ruin the fun for both of you and lead her to wonder why you don’t trust her.  If you have made every effort to communicate well and then worked together to learn how to please her, then relax and enjoy the experience.  In the end, if you demonstrate that you are caring, patient and interested but she still fakes then she will miss out on the opportunity to develop sexual intimacy with you.  That is her loss.

Read all of my Q&A with Dr.Ruthie posts.

Feeling stuck or confused about something to do with sex & intimacy? I would love to hear your question. You can find my email and all of the fine print on my Sex Q&A tab, above.

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Jun 272009
 

Dr. Ruthie ,

My girlfriend and I have a good relationship, but sometimes I feel like she has no idea what I like sexually.  She is good in bed, but it feels generic and sometimes I wish she would slow down more when she is touching me.  Sometimes I make these suggestions afterward, but then she is angry at me and won’t do anything for a long time.  How can I ask her for better sex without that happening?

Mike

Mike – Thanks so much for dropping me a note.  This sounds like a frustrating situation, and I applaud you for continuing to try to work toward a better way.  It sounds to me like you’re seeking two things: different touch and greater intimacy.  Here you are, a guy who knows his sexuality well and wants to share his insights on his body with his partner, only to have it backfire.  Here are a few things that are going through my head:

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Aug 182008
 
Aphordites Toy Box Knows All About Tempting Toys

Aphordite's Toy Box Knows All About Tempting Toys

If you’ve stopped to blink, it’s quite possible that you’ve missed some of the sassiest and most creative sex toys ever to grace the erotic shopping scene! From illuminated glass dildos to specially-shaped prostate massagers to the wonders of premium silicone & metal vibes, there is no doubt that the landscapes of sexuality boutiques and their wares are changing in delicious ways.

Yesterday I wrote about my interview with Sexshop365’s Gary Waudby, and the evolution of online sex toy shopping. While net-based vendors offer a wonderful world of browsing and decadence, there is certainly something to be said for visiting your local sex boutique (if you are fortunate enough to have one) to browse, chat with the staff, and even participate in educational and social events! If you happen to be in the Atlanta area on September 5th, then I would like to invite you drop by Aphrodite’s Toy Box where Ruth (that’s me!) of Exploring Intimacy will be offering her Tempting Toys intimacy workshop from 7:30-9:00pm. Tickets are available now, so drop by Aphrodite’s or call them at (404) 292-9700. Until there, here is a bit about what we’ll be exploring together on Sept. 5!

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